Because it’s only like this in commercials.

This week we focus on the myths of men’s grroming: what’s enough, what’s the minimum, and what is too much?  Such Level One habits include washing (with soap), teeth brushing, and using deodorant.  Action Jackie tells you how to control hair from the top down, how much cologne’ll do ya, and discussions of beard-envy that Sarah apparently should have kept to herself.

Also, we have a theme tune. Bazinga.

After a large detour into Sandra Bullock films, which are all more entertaining than an actual pageant, we discuss whether fantasy fiction the is same thing as history (it isn’t). And if linguistic licenses are allowed in pageants, does that mean Paul Revere really WAS warning the British–or does that rule only apply to those whose political careers are based solely on a Vaseline-covered smile?

Also, a very tired Action Jackie divulges her special talent: impersonations of dead British men. Hey, beats the hell outta the flute.

A friend brought this rule to our attention: In a relationship, you can plan events for as long in the future as you have been dating. One day:a day later, a week:the next week, etc. Is it true? And are we all just slaves to our neurochemical responses?

We argue the validity of this and other dating timelines–engagement, marriage, moving in together–and the injustice of having only one baby shower.

Like us? Make it official!

In this episode, we’re discussing the pitfalls of various online dating services. Whether you’re on CraigsList, OkCupid, Match.com, Grinder, eHarmony or the latest romance site du jour, here’s what’s lurking in the woods on the way to your soulmate’s house.

And you can stop “knowing a guy who knows a guy” who met their significant other online, because our own Action Jackie has that story MythBusticated.

Also, I get voted down in the patchouli poll.

Email us, suggest topics, or be our online friend–we promise we’ll call you in the morning.

The yes column: vibrators. Which ones, where to get, and perhaps most importantly: how-to. If you don’t have one already, do your lady parts a favor and check out a few of the links below. Big ones, small ones, some as big as your head–some look like iPods, some look like bullets. Don’t be intimidated! Take a visit to your local shop and check out the wares. And whether you’re a novice or a ninja, you’ll be pleased to know about the greener options: vibrator recycling and dock-powered models that save will you millions on batteries.

The Hells-No column: vibrators shaped like animals. This leads to all sorts of strange beastiality ickiness, including speculation about the sexuality of various cartoon dogs; we update you on the latest phenomenon in vaginal adornment, vatooing. If sparkly stickers for your hoo-ha aren’t enough, there’s always glow-in-the-dark paint. Also, the problem with the whole vag-bedazzli-sparkle-prettify movement, and why Sarah is LITERALLY against it.

When Sam and Jennifer first met, Jennifer was married. Although Sam was smitten, they remained coworkers and good friends for two years–until they shared their first kiss. On today’s Very Special Episode, we bring you the true story of love, honesty, and acceptance–and it’s also damned cute. But we warn you: keep tissues handy.

By the way, they’re lesbians. But you probably got there already.

Figure 1: The Scariest Teddy Bear (Alive? We Think So)

Figure 2: When you know it’s gross, but do it anyway.

Figure 3: Placenta “Art” Prints

Figure 4: Wiiiiiillllsooooooon!

Figure 5: Fruit of the Womb

Also new for 2010: the Stuff with Things You Tube channel! Check out mundanity in real-time with Sarah and Action Jackie at our new channel, StuffwithThingstv.

And Gram bets me I can’t get through a podcast without using the word “amazing.” Gram, as usual, is right.

The woman herself, c. 1949 and 1970s

It’s all about games, gamers and gaming this week as we discuss puzzles, AD&D, and our general geeky and misspent youths. Our preferred Clue characters give insight into our personalities, realize anti-feminist movies shaped our childhoods, leading to our respective choices of warrior princessery and buckling swash. I stick up for LARPers and patchouli, declare that costumes are the only defense for acting a damn fool on a fake battlefield, and Jackie only has one V for you if you miss the The Sock Gap (and it’s not the one you were hoping for). Also, modeling is hard, we boo at the closing of Shaman Drum, beg you to tell us how to use pilates bands, and start the countdown to kitty-fauxhawk. MROW!

Nerd-Alert Vocab: gestalt: a structure, configuration, or pattern of physical, biological, or psychological phenomena so integrated as to constitute a functional unit with properties not derivable by summation of its parts

Links: Capitol City River Run (half-marathon)

Local: Shaman Drum Midas on Washtenaw Great Lakes Cycling and Fitness

NB: Jackie is not from the UP, and Anna Jonsson is not blonde.

Handy Links: Green Porno

Gaybie of the Week: Oscar Fogden “Froggy” Styrs

Follow along with the worst writing ever published HERE.

Gaybie of the Week: Greta Jean Garber

Don’t forget to enter the Name The Porn Library Contest!

Gaybie of the Week: Shawn Tay Punn

Gaybie of the Week: Nathan DiDeRossi

Run with us! Dexter-Ann Arbor Run

Gaybie of the Week: Sadie Cooper-Harris